Same, Girl!

There's so much healing in being just like the other women

One simple message: Same, same, same. You are not the only one, laying in bed at night, replaying conversations in your head and thinking you said the stupidest things. Not the only one with questionable dish towels, not the only one washing their bras only very occasionally. Not the only one still struggling sometimes, to REALLY be a girls girl. Not the only one, hating diet culture and the rolls on their stomach at the same time.

There is so much validation and healing in realizing that others share your doubts and burdens. Its also hard, because it first requires you to admit to them – to yourself and then others. It requires you to bear that breathless moment of being the first to talk about it, of not knowing if the others will say “same” or never call you again.

But oh, if they say same …

“Same” - Hannah Rosenberg

Your shame isn’t unique

My therapist says a lot of very smart and helpful things. But my favorite is, when I admit to something and she says “Everyone knows that feeling. You are not special in your failure.”

Sounds harsh at first, right? But its actually very comforting. Because, while its obviously nice to be special, its also good to know that your shame isn’t unique. We often believe our struggles make us uniquely flawed, when in reality, they make us normal. And admitting that removes the feeling of isolation around everyday insecurities.

I don’t know about you, but as a freelancer working from home, the two main places I am are in my own head and on social media. Which is unhealthy as f…. because while social media portrays everyone else’s life as perfect, my own head amplifies all the little ways mine isn’t.

But here’s the thing: Even if you aren’t on social media (lucky you), our society does it anyway. We still don’t really talk about money troubles. About mental health issues. About being messy. About anything that might make us look weak. Adulthood and politeness culture make everyone look composed all the time. Even offline, everyone edits their lives. While all of us carry the same small, human embarrassments, we very rarely let them show.

Why Saying It Out Loud Is So Powerful

If you’ve read some of my other articles, you’ll know how I shout the fact that I go to therapy from the rooftops. Thats mostly because I think taking care of your mental health is admirable and needs to be de-stigmatized asap. But there’s still a tiny little kernel of a disclaimer in there: “Hey, I know I’m weird, but I’m working on it! Bear with me!”

(Wouldn’t it be so great, if bear with me was a spell? Like, you say it and theres actually a bear with you?)

ANYWAY.

Admitting to your failures requires a lot of courage. You basically open yourself up for destruction, give the other person the power to hit you at your weakest point. So proceed with caution, but please DO proceed. Because what we need to do most of all in times like these, is preserve our softness. Our empathy. Our belief in the good in other people. Fill the pause before the answer with hope and trust and then rejoice in the moment where shame dissolves and a connection appears.

The problem, the shame won’t be gone. Our judgemental society will make sure of that. But it becomes a shared reality rather than a private failure. Structural instead of personal.

As women especially, we are taught to present polished versions of ourselves. Even more so, when we are seen as accomplished, when we are successful or trailblazers in any shape or form. Absolute perfection is our only option. But perfection isolates (which, more often than not, seems to be the point) and honesty connects.

You are not special, you are a part of something

“You are not special in your failure” doesn’t invalidate your feelings, it doesn’t mean they are trivial. It means you don’t have to deal with them alone. Others have experienced them (and lived). They are part of the human experience. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FAULT.

Failure always feels personal, but most struggles are collective experiences. And having the strength of a collective behind you is a very good place to start a healing journey. The most comforting thing we can do sometimes is simply admit we’re human and wait for someone to say

same.

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